I'm Warning You!
by Chibimun
Summary: AU. A particularly arrogant Sticker Star-era Luigi is sent back to make sure his past self (ex. Himself during the Chaos Heart Fiasco) doesn't make any mistakes. The catch? Only past Luigi can see him, and future Luigi gives primarily horrible advice...
1. Loose Beginnings - Ch 1-1

**A/N: Ciao! This is an idea that spawned whenever I thought, "What would happen if Luigi knew the future in SPM?" A few talks with friends later (thanks great mistake) and I got a story about a jerk Luigi in the Sticker-Star era who goes back and "tries to fix things". And by that, I mean "make everyone think past him is crazy". Enjoy!**

 _ **-?-!-?-**_

This is a story about a man named Luigi.

Luigi was a quiet man, who preferred to spend his time alone. A man who liked to keep things nice and simple, and made sure everyone was happy.

Emphasis on _was_.

Luigi is _now_ , what you would call an absolute prick. He treated his brother like crap, started arguments like wildfire, and he had, just recently, _burned_ the refrigerator when Mario asked for him to open up about his emotional issues.

What was all this about? Where was all this anger coming from?

An adventure we all know as Super Paper Mario. Where happy Luigis went to curl up and die. Or, in our _extremely sarcastically wonderful_ case, went to become narcissistic trash bags.

Currently, our protagonist was leaned up against a boulder on Shooting Star Summit (particularly, the top of said summit), listening to some music through his earbuds. He had been kicked out of the house awhile ago, and had decided to just roam about. Maybe steal a fridge so his brother could shut up about how skinny he was getting. Ha, or he could throw a rock through the window and blame it on Bowser Jr. again.

" _Luigi Vio_." An ethereal voice sounded from above. Luigi didn't hear, of course, his earbuds being obscenely loud. He simply mumbled a few song lyrics under his breath.

" _Luigi._ " The voice repeated.

"Cherry bomb..." The plumber chuckled, still somehow ignoring it.

" _MAN IN GREEN, ANSWER ME_." The voice resorted to screaming.

"Eh?" The green-clad man plucked the earbuds out. "What the heck? What do you want?"  
" _You have been chosen to assist your past self in a que-_ "  
"Woah, woah, hold your horses." Luigi eased up from the ground. "I don't 'quest'. I _gave up_ questing." He dusted himself off a bit. "You'll have to find yourself another Luigi. There's tons of us out there, I'm _sure_."  
" _You are the only one fit to this task_."

"And why is that?" The plumber skeptically lifted an eyebrow.

" _You are being chosen to assist your past self in a quest to defeat Count Bleck, and fix your wrongs._ "

Luigi fell silent, just staring at the sky. "...I have to help past me not mess up? B-But, past Mario's gonna _freak out_..."

" _Only the past you will be able to see you. Otherwise, you will remain perfectly invisible._ "

And that's when an idea seemed to hatch.

"Okay, Mr. Voice-man. I'll take up your offer. When're we gonna start this trainwreck?" Luigi grinned, his eyes narrowing. "I'm ready!"  
" _Now, don't be so hasty. The conditions are you must hide yourself until past you is located in Castle Bleck. You teleport wherever he does, so hopefully you don't lose him_."

"How am I gonna hide?" His expression faltered into boredom. Suddenly a grey robe appeared in front of him. "...Seriously? This is _incredibly_ tacky..."

" _Just wear it_."

"It contrasts with my skin tone." He fake-whined as he slipped the cloak on. He frowned, pulling the hood over his head. "It's comfy, but bland. Also, it doesn't match my outfit."

" _Man in Green._ " The Voice groaned. " _Please stop complaining. It is the best I am allowed to do_."

"Eh, okay then." Luigi shrugged. "Can I leave now?"

" _If you wish_."

"Also can I bring my Ipod? I was kinda listening to my 8tracks mix? Marina might be playing." He scratched the back of his head, shrugging.  
"... _Just grab it_."

"Noice." The plumber snatched his device and earbuds off the ground with a smirk

" _Now, Luigi, it is time to fix your mistakes. Go on and correct your misdeeds!_ "

"Aw, _what?_ It skipped to London Bridge!? That's on another mix _entirel-_ "

In a flash, Luigi was gone.


	2. Loose Beginnings - Ch 1-2

**A/N: Hey, just a quick disclaimer! There's a bit of language in this chapter (all from future luigi). Just sayin'. Hope you all enjoy!**

Luigi hit the ground with a thump. It was just his luck that that mysterious voice-whatever person/thing dropped him flat on his face. It was also his luck that he landed on the roof. And it must of all just been irony that he landed on _his_ house. Or, uh, _past_ him's house.

"Mario, d-did you hear that?" He heard a muffled voice from inside. Oh no…

"No, you must be hearing things or something." Luigi cringed as the Mario from the past laughed.

"Well...uh...should we just head off to Peach's Castle as planned?"

A pause. Luigi took that as Mario preforming some kind of impossible hand gesture (or maybe a nod) that signified a "yes".

As soon as he heard the door swing open and footsteps on the porch, Luigi heard screaming.

"M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MARIO! _HELP!_ "

Luigi gave a half-yelp as he slammed his hands over his ears

"T-Toad?" He heard his past self reply. "What happened? Why are you so crazy?"  
He peeked over the edge of the roof, watching intently.

"It's sh-sh-sh-sh-shocking..Mushroom Castle...RAIDED! Princess Peach... _STOLEN!_ "

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Luigi slammed his hands on his ears again. Past him was getting on his nerves already. "Why, that's ridiculous! Who in the world would do such a thing?!

" _i-don't-fucking-know-doctor-phil?!_ " Luigi hissed, slapping his palm to his face.

"Wait a second...Yeah...I think I've got it!" Oh good, maybe now the plumber could be proud of himse-

"Bro, this must be the work of that guy! That bad guy!" Nope, still very very disappointed. Past Mario nodded. What a disgrace.

"I won't stand for this..."

" _then sit your stupid ass down!_ " Luigi whisper-screeched, rubbing his temples.

"We'll have to sneak into his castle and save Princess Peach!"

" _and finally he says something intelligent!_ "

"...Did you...hear that, Mario?" Luigi ducked as past him whipped his head back to stare at the house.

Mario shook his head.

"Ah, uh, okay then. Let's go, Bro!"

Cue the exasperated groan from the man in green.

Bowser's Castle was now in sight. The lava bubbled below the rocky path, and the heat was nearly unbearable.

"...And that was the story of the time I beat a whole bunch of spinies!"  
"That was a cool story, lil' bro."  
"Molto grazie!"

Luigi dragged his hand down his face as he watched the past Mario Bros from behind. This was sappy, and Luigi didn't do sappy. He burned down refrigerators and stuffed his face with generic-brand pizza snacks until he was sick.

"Oh, oh! Did I tell you about the time I took down around twenty boos?"  
"I don't think so, fratellino."  
"Oh, uh, well-"  
" _SHUT UP ALREADY._ " The green-clad plumber quickly slapped his hand over his mouth and hid behind a nearby rock. Past Luigi stopped his brother from walking any further as he froze.

"...Now I know I'm not hallucinating! Big bro, there's someone following us, I know it!"

" _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_ " The time-traveller bit his lip.  
"What are you talking about Luigi?"

" _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_ "

"Didn't you hear it? Someone just told me to shut up!"

"I have _no_ idea what you're talking about. Let's just keep going, okay?"  
"B-but-"  
"No buts, lil' bro. I think the heat is getting to you."

"Fine..."

Luigi finally came out from his hiding and resumed in following the past Mario Bros.

' _Why are we called the Mario Bros?_ ' He pondered. ' _Our last name isn't Mario. I bet it's just big bro being a narcissistic_ jerk _again! Ugh, he needs to figure out that the world doesn't revolve around him and get his head out of his-_ '

His thoughts ceased as the doors to Bowser's Castle swung open in front of him.


	3. Loose Beginnings - Ch 1-3

**A/N: Heyo! I'm back with chapter three! I'm glad it seems lots of people are enjoying this, and also I just hope I can keep all the motivation intact.**

* * *

It happened in a flash. As soon as those doors were swung open, excited cheers erupted from inside the castle. Goombas, Koopas, and every one of Bowser's minions in between was excitedly screeching.

' _They won't be for long_.' Luigi snickered under his breath. Though, truly, he actually felt kind of bad for all these innocent(-ish) creatures. Most of them would be forced under hypnosis and serve under Count Bleck, others would try and refuge as long as they could. Of course, the green-clad man had already lived through both sides of that sob story. He didn't need to feel pity for them, he just needed to be glad it wasn't him again.

' _Enough of that._ " The plumber scolded himself in his mind as he began to push through the crowd. How he could do this, he really had no idea. If they couldn't see him or hear him, how could they manage to squish him? Luigi yelped in pain as a Koopa elbow nearly punctured his side.

Just as he was about to say something _very_ interesting to someone that couldn't even hear him, he was interrupted by some sort of hearty laugh.

" _BWA HA HA!_ " Bowser interjected from slightly-higher-step-off-the-ground. His "wizard sidekick or something" (explanation by Luigi) Kamek stood next to him, hands behind his back. Luigi felt bad for him. Kamek was actually _good_ at being evil, and he's reduced to a side minion? _A disgrace_.

"Listen well, my elite minion task force!" Bowser grinned, hands on his hips. "It's time to initiate my awesome plot to invade Mushroom Castle!"

' _Pch, yeah. Like you're ever gonna succeed at doing that whilst past me is still alive and kicking you in the—'_ The green man flinched. _'-Where's past me? Did I lose them?_ _Ugh, noooo….'_ He slammed his palm against his forehead and groaned.

"Today is the day I make my beloved Princess Peach _ALL MINE!_ And if that wasn't awesome enough, I'll _ALSO_ stop her little mustache buddies!"

Before Luigi could even make some kind of cocky remark about in his thoughts, the screaming of Bowser's soldiers grew louder and more intense.

"YEEEAH!" "Bowser, Bowser, WOO!" "It's _our_ turn!" "Your rudenesss!" "We're under attack!"

Luigi, who really didn't like screaming at _all_ , smashed his hands against his ears in annoyance. First his half-wit past self's volume, now an _entire room of pumped-up turtles_. _Great_.

"Bwa ha ha ha ha!" The Koopa king exclaimed loudly (in fact, so loud that the green man could hear him clearly even though he was still covering his ears). ""We're under attack!" You jokers are the best!"

' _Yeah, jokers. You won't be laughing soon. And then maybe you_ and _your forces will shut up…_ '

"...Hey! Who are those hairy guys in the back?! We _SHAVE_ around here, minions!" Bowser stomped off his "pedastal" (once again, basically just a step slightly higher than the rest of the floor) and towards the apparent offenders, all the minions quickly scuttling away to clear their king a path. Of course, the "hairy guys" turned out to be none other than the past Mario Bros. In all of their mustachioed glory.

" _Blargh!_ Mario!"

' _You're forgetting someone…_ ' Luigi rolled his eyes in annoyance

"... _AND Luigi?!_ "

'T _hat'll do, pig. That'll do._ '

"How'd you get in here?!"

Luigi saw Mario's mouth move, but barely heard anything. It was about then he realized he could probably remove his hands from his ears safely.

And that he did.

"What? My front gate was open?!" Bowser fumed, stomping his foot so hard against the floor the castle shook a bit with each impact. "How many times have a told those idiots? _If you're the last in, LOCK THE GATE!_ "  
"Quiet, you big Bowser!" Luigi sighed as his past self took control of the situation. "We _know_ you kidnapped Princess Peach! Now where'd you put her?!"

' _You don't know anything, do you?_ ' The green man buried his head in his cloak exasperatedly. Point taken, past Luigi knew nothing of Count Bleck, and nothing had really kidnapped Peach besides Bowser before then…he'd let it slide.

The Koopa's stomping ceased, and his anger faded into confusion. "Where'd I...Wait, what? We're only now about to launch our atta-"

"MARIO! _HELP!_ "

Luigi sighed as Princess Peach appeared in midair, suspended by a colorful cage of sorts. The cage itself floated to the side as a strange figure in a cloak.

"BLECK! Your princess has been taken... _by Count Bleck!_ "

' _Yup, just as painfully cheesy as I remember,_ ' Luigi thought, nearly driving his palm into his temple.

"You...wait, by _WHO?!_ " Bowser growled.

' _Even more cheesy._ '

"By me...Count Bleck! The chosen executor of the Dark Prognosticus... _is Count Bleck!_ "  
'S _omeone's gonna tell him one day how dreadfully wrong that statement turned out, but it's not gonna be me._ '

"The fine fellow prophesied to come to this dimension... _is also Count Bleck!_ "

' _With all this repetitive into material, when is he going to go blasting off again?_ ' Cue one of the many disappointed sighs in this chapter.

"I'll tell you who doesn't make even a little bit of sense...Count Bleck! Release Princess Peach right now! I'm on a schedule over here!"

Luigi opened an airhorn app on his iPod and let it rip a few times.

"Count Bleck says _NEVER! This_ princess is integral to fulfilling the prophecies...she will be brought to Castle Bleck and used to destroy all worlds...By Count Bleck!"

Luigi blinked. " _..._ that's what you did to _me_ you dense shit."

"Destroy all WORLDS?!" Past Luigi screeched.

"Not on my watch!" Mario gritted his teeth, jumping up to try to slam two feet onto the Count's head. He promptly falls to the Count's barrier and lands unsteadily on the ground.

Luigi stifled a laugh as Bleck pointed his staff at the red-clad hero, dark energy swirling around him before he fell.

' _Rest in pieces._ '

"Big bro!" Past Luigi rushed to his brother's side, shaking him. This unnerved the green-clad man, really. The adventure hadn't even started yet, and his past self looked like he was at the final boss (which he wouldn't really be there for in the end in this case). It was odd to see himself show this much vulnerability in front of a big bad villian like Count Bleck.

Said Count put a hand to his chin. "This man deserves ridicule...weaklings cannot face Count Bleck!"

"Hey, here's a thought," Bowser interjected. "You calm down and free the princess _now_...OR ELSE!" All of the King's troops stood battle-ready.

"Bleh heh heh heh...Your princess shall NOT be returned...by Count Bleck. In fact, Bowser, evil king of the Koopas, Count Bleck will take you as well!"

What happened next shall be explained by Luigi.

"Bowser looked like we was about to piss himself and Bleck laughed and made his staff float and revealed his new galaxy cloak from his new pastel galaxy collection before he created a literal mini-void and everyone got sucked into it but me and past red me but then due to some magical force I disappeared of something like that and woke up in this wedding cathedral place and it was basically really surreal the end." -Luigi, 2015.

Blearily, Luigi rubbed his eyes. The shift from Bowser's Castle to this...brightly-lit-wedding-place was pain on his eyes. Through the haze, he could barely make out three figures at the altar.


End file.
